Still Friends

See! The stars say we’re winning together even if you don’t believe in them. ❤️

I remember when you first hit me up after we left that place we met. I was intrigued and slightly surprised that you reached out. We caught up for a few then you mentioned wanting to interview me for a project. I was definitely with it and had fond memories of our tumultuous working relationship. It was friendly though. We were friends. We’re still friends.

Conversation flowed and we caught up some more. You knew about me and at that stage in my life it was definitely no secret. And we were friends. We’re still friends.

We started talking regularly, sometimes even daily. We got to know each other better on a deeper level. Platonic, but deep. You asked questions that people never asked me, and you genuinely wanted the answers. You wanted to be my friend. And I wanted to be your friend too. And we’re still friends.

I was in your city often and we hung out a few times, but that first time was when I really saw you. I mean… I think I see you. I hope I do. I want to. You treated me like we were on a date. You treated me like I was your girlfriend and I even told you that some years later. It was weird, cause I’m a dude. Gay, but a boy, a male, A MAN. But it felt right. Comfortable. Familiar even. I dreamed about you that night. I dreamed about us. It wasn’t necessarily your words, but your actions. Your gestures. Your facial expressions. Your body language. You were leading me. Showing me your city, but letting me decide where to go and handling the rest. Protecting me too, and I was the police at the time. And I had my gun. And I was ready and down for whatever. But you had it. You had me. I knew I was safe with you. And nigga you paid for EVERYTHING that day. That was hot! And we were friends. We’re still friends.

You even did that thing with me and I got the picture to prove it. And you held on to me. Just for a moment. I did too. I’m still holding on. Cause you were my friend. We’re still friends.

I knew when you asked me not to show it that it meant something special to you. But you couldn’t tell me that because I was your friend. We’re still friends.

We argued 40% of that day and reminisced about the old days when I used to cuss you out like a bitch on the street and you used to take it. You had to though. You know why.

I remember that time back in the day when I told you to leave after I cussed you out, and you did. But then when I saw you after we got back to where we were staying, I told you to come back the next day. I knew even then that you took my shit because you felt something deeper. You weren’t afraid of all of that rage on the surface. You would laugh at me most of the time I cussed you out. It made me laugh too. And you were my friend. We’re still friends.

I don’t remember the end of the night that night in Brooklyn, but I remember I loved you that day; even if you do have feet like my great grandmother. I’m not sorry that it took me this long to tell you though. I had to tuck that feeling away like I knew I could, because you were off limits. And I was your friend. We’re still friends.

So we both cultivated our friendship. Diving deeper into an emotional connection that neither of us could deny. I wanted you to be real for me a long time ago, but I wasn’t ready. I thought I was. I thought I could handle the type of love and relationship that my heart yearned for, but I wasn’t ready. The universe knew. And you were my friend. We’re still friends.

It was important to me to never cross the line. To never take advantage of your friendship by making ANY advances. So I did what I had done best, I lied to myself and tucked my unrequited romantic love away until I couldn’t anymore. I’m sorry for how I told you that I love you differently now. I took you for granted. I assumed you’d love me differently back, and I selfishly failed to give you the time and space to process. I AM SORRY! I’m sorry because I pushed you into a conversation that you clearly weren’t ready for. Because I was ready for it. Finally. And that was wrong. I do love you though. Differently. I couldn’t move forward in our friendship without being honest and shooting my shot. I still want all of the things we talked about to happen. I still want you near. Whether you’re my friend or my… whatever you wanna be. You’ve been trying to get me out of this writers block for at least the last 3 years. You know me. The real me. You helped me get over this block in my writing. Maybe that’s why you blocked me. Cause you knew I’d eventually pour my heart out if it was real. It’s real nigga! Damn! I’m ready when you are. If you are.

I Hope You’re Reading This One Too. You used to read everything I posted. You pushed me to get here. Thank you!

I still love you though. Imma keep doing that.

I was your friend. You were my friend. I’m still your friend. I hope we’re still friends.

Author: inmynativescribble

A Black man trying to face fear, the past, the present, and reconcile his future. Still.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: