Having a clear function on earth, being of service to humanity, and being recognized for my service and work are probably the most basic ways to explain the deepest feelings and desires burning within me.
I don’t really trust many people. That’s probably the biggest obstacle I face in my interpersonal relationships. However, the fear that has burned the deepest, the fear that has occasionally crippled my indomitable spirit, the fear that has haunted me since I was seven, is the fear that I will be abandoned by love, again. I fear that love will love me truly and deeply and thoroughly, then suddenly abandon me without a word or a choice for me. I am afraid that in an instant, a moment, a decision absent my consideration, a gunshot or two that love will decide yet again that it can shape my life without my consent. And because of that fear of abandonment, I have allowed my full self to be hidden, and tucked away, and secret and dirty, and ashamed, and guilty of I don’t even know what. I have been killing myself trying to make myself palatable for the world. I’ve been trying to be what everyone needs because I didn’t really feel loved most of my life. That part of my story is over. I am no longer ashamed of me. I’m loving myself more these days too. I’ve been pouring my well of deep and devoted passionate love back into me. Constantly reminding myself that I am worthy, I am enough, and that my love and devotion won’t go unrequited forever.
Religious, familial, and even romantic wounds can run deep. Those religious ones might have been the most crippling, especially having been reinforced through familial ties among others. I don’t have the same belief system anymore though, because the one I learned from church and family constantly made me reject the me I was born to be. I’m not rejecting me anymore for anyone or anything.
I believe in a God of the Universe. A Supreme Being. But, I don’t believe that God of the UNIVERSE is worried so much about what’s happening on EARTH, a medium sized planet that’s not even the largest in its solar system, that I will be condemned to Eternal torture for sucking some dick or a little ass play or falling truly, madly, and deeply in love with another man. Nope! “I don’t believe you. You need more people!” The greatest fucking scheme on earth is religion. When motherfucker’s can make you believe in some shit that can’t be proven or disproven they can tap into an endless well of resources. And all you got is your beliefs and faith and not a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of because you haven’t been trusting your own voice. We gotta stop letting other people tell us what to believe. And just cause people are old, it doesn’t make them wise. I feel like half the old people on earth are here to be healers and prophets and teachers, and the other half are still here because they’re miserable souls that have never truly found their life’s purpose. I am grateful now that I know mine.
So, I wrote a letter to 7 year old me the day after my parents died. Here it go!
You don’t know me kiddo, but I know you. I know you better than you know yourself, and I know that today is your 7th birthday. I also know that yesterday you saw something really bad happen with your mommy and your daddy. I want you to know that what you saw yesterday will never leave you. You will never forget it and you will never truly be able to hide from it. It will shape your life and your choices and even your heart. What you saw will also give you the strength you need to endure the very tough road of life ahead. You will be beaten, talked about, lied to, lied on, and you will suffer a great deal of heartache and pain. You will feel sometimes like you have no idea where you are going or what you are meant to do. You will feel like the world is on your shoulders and everyone has turned their backs on you. You will feel lonely, and hurt, and exhausted, but YOU can endure it all. Whenever you are down, hurt, in pain, or suffering, you believe in yourself. Believe that you have exactly the amount of strength that you need to tear down any obstacle in your way and remember that trouble don’t last always.
Little Rocket, I know you’re hurting. I know you don’t know what is going on or where you’ll go or how your whole life is about to change. I want you to just focus on that little feeling that you feel deep inside of you that tells you if something is right or wrong, and I want you to trust that. I want you to believe in that like you believe in Jesus. One day you are going to change the world for the better! So don’t you quit on yourself and on this life, because YOU are meant for inordinate GREATNESS.