#Thisjob #Thislife

The fact that sometimes I just can’t get it together pisses me off. I mean, I know I’m source of inspiration for so many people, but lately I just can’t seem to find my own. #Thisjob and #Thislife seem to have taken my mind by storm. My judgement is clouded. I feel trapped. I forget everything ALL the time and most of the time I can’t even see the forest for the trees. I started writing this blog back in 2010. I posted lots of things I had written over the years and started writing new things too. I found it refreshing and it was an outlet to sit down and pen my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams, my then. Having the type of career I have, you don’t just go airing your laundry, dirty or clean. I wanted to honor the only portion of the “Code of Ethics” from my police academy days that I can remember. “I will keep my private life unsullied as an example to all.” And I remember feeling that part. Like deeply. I remember feeling like I knew that I could honor that. I remember knowing that I had no ill will and that I wanted to always find a way to show those with less than me that they could be more. I believed in that. I still do. I honor that feeling. I treat people with the respect their character and attitude warrant. I don’t violate anyone’s rights. I don’t lie on people or abuse them or take advantage or steal. I treat every citizen that I encounter fairly and justly. But my private life, it’s definitely not unsullied. It is not pure or clean or without foul or indecency. And honestly, neither is my professional life. You see, in order to do what I do well, you must stoop to a level that everyone understands. You must break down to its most basic form your ability to communicate, to reason, to operate. And you must do it to survive. In order to survive #thisjob and #thislife you must strip yourself of your sense of pride. You must denounce the notion that you alone can change the hearts and minds of your community, coworkers, and supervisors into hearts and minds that equally respect each other. You must decide what side you’re on even when neither side is right and neither side respects you. You must rid yourself of the idea that you might get to have a normal life spent with family and friends on holidays and special occasions. You mustn’t get sick or injured or take “too much” of YOUR leave. You must learn EVERY administrative rule and regulation and be able to recite as directed And you must do all of this while being moral, decent, and legal.

Maybe my life is sullied because I chose to try to believe in an organization that isn’t always moral, decent, or legal. It does not protect, or adequately and commensurately provide for its members. It does not cultivate or inspire, and it does not respect the people in its charge. And it breaks my heart to have given 8 years of my life to an agency that does not provide what it requires. My heart isn’t broken because I feel regret. My heart is broken because even though I know I’m not appreciated a part of me stills has hope that change is on the horizon. I hope that magically one day a new dawn and new regime will whip into shape what has long been broken and tattered. There was a time I thought I could be a part of that regime. There was a time where I wanted to be a part of the change because I knew I could manifest that change. Well, that time has come and gone. And because this organization doesn’t provide what it requires I can no longer risk life and limb and livelihood for a dream that was never really mine. I’ve had a number of ideas over the years of what I wanted for my life and career. I wanted to be a singer, and a lawyer, and an actor, and a writer, and at one point I even wanted to be Mayor, and while I did also want to be a police officer especially given the field’s rich history in my family, I never wanted to do it for my forever. As admirable a profession as it may be, I knew that I wanted more. The same more that I intended to show the less fortunate was possible. I still want more. I want to not have my voice silenced by policy or inferiority in rank. I want to defend what is right and good and fair. I want my life unsullied, but not because I’m obligated. I want to travel the world telling my story and hearing other people’s too. But here I am using crutches to walk, and nursing a concussion all from doing my job morally, decently, and legally, and not one supervisor, immediate or secondary has called to see if I’m okay. Not one has sent a card or email other than to require me to do more things outside of what is moral, decent, and even legal. And I’m not okay. I’m in pain, I’m frustrated, and I’m tired. I learned a long time ago, you don’t owe nobody more than you owe yourself. I’m realizing that again. #Thisjob #Thislife

2010 Blog Year In Review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,900 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 25 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 11mb.

The busiest day of the year was October 8th with 202 views. The most popular post that day was Stay .

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, Inmynativescribble.wordpress.com, WordPress Dashboard, mail.yahoo.com, and Inmynativescribble.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for inmynativescribble, “no thanks given” poem, site:inmynativescribble.com “no thanks given” poem, inmynativescribble.word press.com, and inmynativescribble no thanks given.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


Stay October 2010
5 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,


About InMyNativeScribble (The Blog) September 2010


Resentment September 2010
8 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,


Their Darkest Knight September 2010


The Love You’re Compared To September 2010

In My Native Scribble

In my native scribble I write with complete disregard for those who place themselves above me, because in the end they’re beneath it all.

In my native scribble I speak of the unjust rules that are in place, because they are not there to make me strong, they are there to make me a slave.

In my native scribble I depict my mind wandering free, because in my harsh reality I’m not allowed to speak my peace.

In my native scribble I can describe the pain I feel, and to the opposition, I will never, ever yield.

Through my native scribble my spirit remains alive, and though I may not always be here, my spirit, it will never die.

Through my native scribble I can break down all barriers, and through the words that I write, I’ve become the “Lone Warrior”.

In my native scribble I’ve written a song I love to sing, and because of that song, my freedom, one will certainly ring.

In my native scribble its clear my situation sucks, but if you can’t define any of the words I’ve used, too bad, go and look them up!